FUCKIN’ MAD!!!! January 31, 2007

Ok, fine. Today, I am so goddamn PISSED!!!! Grrrr!!! Ok, I’m gonna post what I wrote on my e-learning blog, but here, I’ll actually MENTION the NAMES of the PEOPLE in question…. and WHAT actually HAPPPENED!!!! Plus, this is the UNCENSORED version….. LOTS of SWEARING ahead, with NO regard to YOUR sensitivity. This is MY blog. Deal with it.

Have you ever felt that you can never trust someone who is close to you?
This happened to me today. I feel like now, I can’t really tell anyone anything anymore. I can only trust my CLOSEST and TRUEST friends Natasha *she’s in UM* and Saqina *she’s working* and maybe Balqis *she’s in HELP*. Of course, the one I trust the most is Nyaa, my cute lil cousin. And no, I’m not implying that I’m committing incest or anything.

Grrr…… Oh god I was so ******* mad today. For the first time in god knows how many weeks, I yelled and screamed and swore out loud. And this happened at the USM cafe. God knows how much I’ve used the f-word today.

I have never shown how angry I can get. And I guess that is why people tend to step on my head.

Really now, some people really do not know how to respect privacy. They want things to go their way, so they just pry into other peoples lives with total disregard to the person in concern’s pride and reputation. These people act without thinking and are totally dumb and immature, and not to mention inconsiderate, foolish and whatever words that totally degrades a person.

Now, I have ALWAYS expected close friends to be able to keep a SECRET. Owh wait, are some people that DUMB to NOT know what things are actually SECRETS?!!!!!

PEOPLE DO NOT TELL OTHER PEOPLE’S SECRETS TO OTHER PEOPLE. OWH WAIT,  I FORGOT. THIS IS MALAYSIA, LAND OF GOSSIP AND WHERE ACTUAL NEWS DOESN’T MATTER.

The person mentioned above was screaming and screaming about some fact I do NOT wish to be revealed EVER! AND SHE DID THIS IN THE CAFE!!!! WTF WAS SHE THINKING!!!!! Who was it? OH I’LL TELL YOU!!! IT WAS SHAFINAZ!!!!!!!

I won’t actually spill the details, as I’ll only do so in my LJ. I’ll only tell the tale to those I REALLY trust.  Owh wait… This IS my LJ… Haha I just copy-pasted this from my e-learning blog.

The dish:
My regular gang and I were just chillin’ at the USM cafe. Then, I saw my stalkee, and he was buying water. ALL OF A SUDDEN STUPID LOUDMOUTHED PERSON YELLED THAT I LIKE SAID STALKEE OUT LOUD SO THAT THE WHOLE CAFE COULD HEAR IT!!! GOD I HOPE THAT MY STALKEE IS DEAF. I BET NOW, THANKS TO HER, THE WHOLE OF MY COURSEMATES KNOWS!!!! HELLO? MY PRIDE IS ON THE LINE HERE!!! STUPID IDIOT!!!!!

That may have sounded like just a lil tidbit. But the damage is HUGE!

I may have forgiven the said person. But my anger won’t die as quickly. Once I flare up, there’s no turning back.

As they say, never make a happy-go-lucky person go mad. They turn ugly really bad.

I want to go back home and cry.

Random unrelated side note: I love econs!!!!!! And Kanda Yuu!
*copy-pasta from my LJ

I’m on a quest… December 11, 2006

A long a deary quest,
seeking to rip the flesh of my bones,
eating the insides,
of who I am.

I’m on a quest,
to change my inner self
to cure….

MY GODDAMN LAZINESS~~~!!! Dammit Salwa stop being so lazy and start drawing all those deviations already!!!!!

Meep, yeah, I’m even lazy when it come to cooking….

WHY?!!! WHYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An uneventful Eid November 8, 2006

Yeah. Eid reminded me of how thankful I should be to God. I’m thankful Tok Ayah is still alive and well. And I’m thankful he’s still here.

Eid was a rather sombre occasion. The reason I didn’t blog about this earlier is because I didn’t want to be a wet blanket. I mean, everyone had such a happy Eid.

Mak Long, her husband and thier two kids came over for Eid. They stayed at my house for 2 days.

For the first time ever, I woke up late on Eid. I felt really out of it. Not only was I at home, I was celebrating it with just a few of my family members. I miss waking up to jokes and laughs. What saddens me the most is that my grandma *Kelantanes side, aka Mak Tok* didn’t even come. I mean, I’m supposed to celebrate Eid with her and Tok Ayah. The way things are, it appears that she is happy without him around.

A few visitors came to the house, and I really didn’t care. Then we went to the home.

Saw Tok Ayah. Really sad to see him. He can barely speak now. He mumbles at times, and talks incoherently.  He doesn’t really remember anyone. Mak Long fed him some cakes, glutinous rice  and stuff and it was really sad to see him that way. Then , dad and Mak Long talked to him. He said he was happy there. Then we left.

Ah, after that I felt slightly happier. Why? I went to my darling Nyaa’s house! I just hung around with her. Owh, and Roll bought me nubs for my PSP. Happy… yeah, Nyaa has really been my pillar of strength. Oh yeah, forgot to mention. Remember I said I had two cousins staying over? Well, I wasn’t that close to them Hell they shut me off. SO who was I to care?

Dad complained that I was alienating myself from them. Really now, both of them kept to themselves so much, why the fish should I care?

When they left, I was secretly happy.

Then, one of my relatives passed away on the 2nd day of Eid. SO, I went back to Bentong. Stayed for the prayers and yassin recital. Slept over at great grandma’s because grandma *not MakTok* was there. Needless to stay, I stuck to her like glue. Owh, parents went back right after, therfore I stayed  the night at Great Grandma’s.

The next day, I went back to Grandma’s house. Then I went back to my own. Mama and Papa had a fight. The next day, I slept at Grandma’s. Nyaa was there, so I spent time with her. I wuv Nyaa. I wish she were my sister. Parents didn’t like it. Well, since they never tell me anything, despite me being their ONLY GODDAMN CHILD,  why should I bother? Needless to say, I got scolded like shit.

They patched up when they sent me back.

Seriously though, THEY NEED TO GROW THE **** UP!

Overdue entry I know. But I had to get this off my chest…… Gah.

Ja ne

P/s: random fact: I can fit into my Grandma’s old Baju Kebaya. I have her bust and waist AND hips… scary much….

Name change, the week so far, laziness, you name it all October 14, 2006

Mweh, finally decied too update this page of boredom.I really should be sleeping now…

Note: Due to random rants, this post will not adhere to any chronological revelence… well, not that anyone cares anyway. Go watch Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu.

I think a few days ago, Myzoo and Wawee finally vented our anger… yeah.. won’t elaborate.

People actually read my blog… Not good to bitch in Ramadhan

Um then, on… uh Tuesday I think, Myzoo and myself decided to make a blog, documenting our lives while we diet, in a bid to lose weight. Yes, we are both so fat… compared to the other 95% of the UTP girls.

Then owh, somewhere last week, my group had a drama presentation. I can’t believe people are actually talking about it… EVen our tutor was impressed… saying that we memorized our lines well…

The truth is….

We didn’t. The original script was written in under 2 hours, improvisations were made last minute, we never had a full rehearsal, props were made last minute….

And yet we had fun and actually acted right… lol

Mweh, our drama was based on this short story called The Jade Pendant by Catherine Lim. It was kinda boring, so with our super editing skills, we made it… different. By injecting some popular Malaysian celebrity goddip *coughSitiandDatukKcough*, random plot twists and batu seremban *5 stones*, we turned it into a slapstick cliche comedy….

Mweh, I played Nameless crazy girl who we then called Ah Mei, Brad Phua *husband of Angelina Joleey* and mystery man B. Mostly, I played AH Mei, the psycho who isn’t exactly a psycho…

Meep, everyone else played thier part well too. Sofia was a very convincing Datuk K, who was sedued by Ika, playing Madam Kwan, a random caberet singer. Sof and Ika also played

Lian Kim and Ron respectively, the loving couple of the Drama. Seriously, all the dudes in the tutorial we’re smiling with glee when Ika seduced Sof, and also when Ika and SOf were about to kiss during the final chap.

Ain was the ever nice yet scheming Ah Soh, yet she also played Angelina Joleey and Man A. It was hectic changing clothes outside, yet it was damn fun. Heee heeeeeeeeeee……

Aini and Myzoo were a very convincing couple. They played the Khoos, the estranged couple in charge of the various problems that rich people in debt face. Haa haa

Drama aside, yeah I’m kinda giving up on stalking my first stalkee. So I’m stalking someone
else… but still stalking the first stalkee, though not much.

Owh yeah, changed my WordPress screen name to SaweeWawee because I think it sounds cute…

ARGH! Finals coming up! STress!!!

Um, do not study like how I do… I study from 10 p.m. till the next morning without sleeping at all… Yes, it is the ULTIMATE all nighter! Whoot! No one crams like I do! Except Miz, we always study together.

Ngeh I hate emo people. Nuff said.

I have finally become someone who likes to walk. I walk from V2 to V5 back to V2, and then to the Sports COmplex where me and Myzoo *yes we always walk together…* walk round the jogging track… Owh right. Must bring Matrix Card today… wanna drink Milo at D-toronto. Oh yeah, afer wakling, we then walked back to our rooms….

Yum. Makan food yang gembira today. Paloh rice + tandoori and Kashmir chicken with mint sauce… DOn’t worry, I walked from LH to OldV5 to the mosque, and to V4, so I pretty muched worked it off… Gonna walk again tonight…

Yeah, changed my wordpress screen name form Seyruiene to SaweeWawee… I think it sounds cuter.

Be sure to visit Myzoo *formerly Miz* and my joint diet blog here!!!

Mweh, this is me, signing off…..

Currently Listening To : Lonely in Gorgeous  by Tommy february6
Currently Watching : -
Currently Reading :Business Management Textbook
Currently Drawing : -
Currently Downloading : random animes
Currently Wishing : TO STALK THIS CUTE GUY!
Currently Wants : To sleep
Currently Thinking : WHY THE HECK AM I SO SHY?!!!!
Currently Stressing About : Wanna sleep … wanna walk… WANT SOME MILO!!

Ready for UNIVERSITY? Far from it! *Kleiorihs* July 6, 2006

Heh, I’ll be going to my uni in 6 days… and I’m not even prepared… I’m panicking!!! And I’m constantly having the early morning flu, coughing and dehydration due to… me refusing to drink for some strange reason……

Anyhow, I’m kinda nervous about uni life… Plus my mom has been nagging me to find a boyfriend there… Oh man…. this is tough….. I wouldn’t mind as much if my uni was nearby but…. Perak? That’s like 200+ km from where I live… But the campus is sweet though…. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything since I’m on sponsorship but still…..

Argh I’m sooo nervous… But I’m kinda happy that I’m free from my mom… I hate pushovers….. BUt hmmm I’m kinda sloppy… I wonder if my roomates can tolerate that? Haa haa haaa….

Great, I’m even coughing while I type… And I still haven’t gotten my own laptop!!!!

Soooo nervous! Gah, I’m gonna make some milk tea to soothe my nerves…

Ja…

~~~~~~~~MY LISTS~~~~~~~~~~~ Steal if you want but credit me~~~~~
*but Saqina already stole them*

TOP 10 FAV BISHIES STATUS!

10. Lumine *Rockman X8*- my baby!!! awwwwww!
09. Axel *Kingdom Hearts series*- Got it memorized?
08. Doumeki Shizuka *xxxHOLiC*- uh… *shoots arrows*
07. Ohtori Kyouya *Ouran High School Host CLub*- .. uh .. fine, I’ll stop denying the fact I like Kyouya..
06. Hyde *Kamui*- Died too soon to be cool….
05. Yzak Joule *Gundam SEED series*- I’m commander now! Don’t order me around you civillian!
04. Albel Nox *Star Ocean 3*- *stabs* MAGGOTS! FOOLS!
03. Kimihiro Watanuki *xxxHOLiC*- SPAZZ!!! And he can see spirits!
01. Asagi Nanami *Category: Freaks*- white hair lalala! FREAK EXTERMINATOR!
01. Yanagi *Kamui*- Hotness in glasses! Can you say… drool? PIC & PIC  CLICK NOWWW!!!!

Yanagi & Asagi!!!!!!!! <3 yeah, they STILL tie… I just can’t decide!

TOP 10 FAV FEMALE CHARACTERS

10. Nana Osaki *Nana*- I need your loooooove! *sings*
09. Souseiseki *Rozen Maiden*- Big.. scissors… are cool!
08. Shiho Hahnenfuss *MSV Gundam SEED*- My imaginary sister….
07. Ryuugu Rena *Higurashi no Naku Koro ni*- Kana? kana?
06. Suigintou *Rozen Maiden*- I’d want her to be mine!
05. Enma Ai *Jigoku Shoujo*- chibi Yuuko 2.0
04. Ichihara Yuuko *xxxHOLiC*- my idol
03. Fujioka Haruhi *Ouran Kokou Host Club*- She’s…. just… COOL!
02. Sohma Akito *Fruits Basket*- she’s pretty… and psycho… awwwww
01. Suzumiya Haruhi *The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi*- She’s like me!!!

Akito-sama~~~ <3

Currently Listening To : Mobius by Janne Da Arc from Byakegamon? *I wuv Janne Da Arc*
Currently Watching : Demashita! PowerPuff Gils Z ep 1 *corny…..*
Currently Reading : Category: Freaks and Kamui vol 1 & 2 … again and again *sigh* I really need a life
Currently Drawing : Something for Saq
Currently Downloading : Mai-Otome OST for my dad, some random ISOs, some yaoi manga
Currently Wishing : for some form of singing ability
Currently Wants : To drink milk tea with a hot guy by the beach with him saying some really saucy lines into my ears…
Currently Thinking : Yeah, I need help…..
Currently Stressing About : UNI IS GONNA START SOON!

Ok that’s it…

TILL NEXT TIME!!!
When I’m not ………

The~girl~who~is~>_<~
~Kleiorihs~ShiroiElk~NioraptH~Seyruiene~Sal~Wawa~Salwa

Of my PSP… and ramblings… *Kleiorihs* July 2, 2006

Got my beloved PSP a brand new Memory STick!!! NOW I CAN FINALLY PLAY ME AND MY KATAMARI VIA HOMEBREW!!!! *I ain’t telling you how!*

I previously had a 1 GB mem stick… and it couldn’t fit katamari in it :cries:…. BUT TODAY, MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE!!! *twirls around* A 2 GB MEM STICK BABY!!!

*ramble mode activate!*

Ok so the other day, I had a fight with Jon C via MSN, with Baa being the mediator…. Truth to be told, I don’t really like Jon C because he acts as if god does not exist and that being cowardly is the way to go…. He also treats me as someone shallow just because I’ve known him since…. 11… or maybe younger….

Anyway, he critized my joining the army…. Because he said the businessman way is to pay money and watch them take over… So I said, hell, you’re not patriotic at all! He said we have our own way of being patriotic! I mean, If you pay someone money and watch them take over, it’s as if you would see your country fall to invaders… Even in business, it is unwise to lose your company to others ne? You, the one who paid them, might get fired…. I’m not as shallow as you think Jon…..

So what if I’m stubborn? I admit I’m stubborn. I hate to see my country fall, as we have fallen to 4 foriegn powers already! Isn’t that enough? We worked hard for our independance… And you Jon C, want to give it away just like that?!!!!!!!!

I still hate Jon C…. Gomen Baa….. I just drifted away from that jerk…..

Ah…. I feel much better after blogging that!

Side note, GO ALONSO GOOOOOOO!!! AND YAY! PORTUGAL IN!!!!! *random F1 and World Cup cheers*

~~~~~~~~MY LISTS~~~~~~~~~~~ Steal if you want but credit me~~~~~
*but Saqina already stole them*

TOP 10 FAV BISHIES STATUS!

10. Lumine *Rockman X8*- my baby!!! awwwwww!
09. Axel *Kingdom Hearts series*- Got it memorized?
08. Doumeki Shizuka *xxxHOLiC*- uh… *shoots arrows*
07. Ohtori Kyouya *Ouran High School Host CLub*- .. uh .. fine, I’ll stop denying the fact I like Kyouya..
06. Hyde *Kamui*- Died too soon to be cool….
05. Yzak Joule *Gundam SEED series*- I’m commander now! Don’t order me around you civillian!
04. Albel Nox *Star Ocean 3*- *stabs* MAGGOTS! FOOLS!
03. Kimihiro Watanuki *xxxHOLiC*- SPAZZ!!! And he can see spirits!
01. Asagi Nanami *Category: Freaks*- white hair lalala! FREAK EXTERMINATOR!
01. Yanagi *Kamui*- Hotness in glasses! Can you say… drool?

PIcs of Yanagi-chan!

Yanagi & Asagi!!!!!!!! yeah, they STILL tie… I just can’t decide! New comments too!

TOP 10 FAV FEMALE CHARACTERS

10. Nana Osaki *Nana*- I need your loooooove! *sings*
09. Souseiseki *Rozen Maiden*- Big.. scissors… are cool!
08. Shiho Hahnenfuss *MSV Gundam SEED*- My imaginary sister….
07. Ryuugu Rena *Higurashi no Naku Koro ni*- Kana? kana?
06. Suigintou *Rozen Maiden*- I’d want her to be mine!
05. Enma Ai *Jigoku Shoujo*- chibi Yuuko 2.0
04. Ichihara Yuuko *xxxHOLiC*- my idol
03. Fujioka Haruhi *Ouran Kokou Host Club*- She’s…. just… COOL!
02. Sohma Akito *Fruits Basket*- she’s pretty… and psycho… awwwww
01. Suzumiya Haruhi *The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi*- She’s like me!!!

Akito-sama~~~ Bye Shana, hello Souseiseki! New comments and a slight reshuffle!

Currently Listening To : Byakuya ~True Light~ (Live Version) by Miyamoto Shunichi *swoons*
Currently Watching : -
Currently Reading : Category: Freaks and Kamui vol 1 & 2 … again and again *sigh* I really need a life
Currently Drawing : -
Currently Downloading : Mai-Otome OST for my dad
Currently Wishing : for someone to sing me a very jazzy, sexy song *who looks like Yanagi!*!
Currently Wants : To eat people
Currently Thinking : Yeah, JJazz is good! GO ALONSO GOOOOOOOO!!!!
Currently Stressing About : nothing

Ok that’s it…

TILL NEXT TIME!!!
When I’m not angry!

The~girl~who~is~>_<~
~Kleiorihs~ShiroiElk~NioraptH~Seyruiene~Sal~Wawa~Salwa

So what if you’re hurt?!! These are MY OPINIONS! Don’t like, DON’T READ! CLOSE TAB OR WINDOW! May 10, 2006

look i know u're still mad at me for some reason or other ok? but don't have to bring it back up… anyway that7s what a journa/blog is for to rant. but i7m hurt and i guess so were you all i wnat to say is whatever/whenever. i still love you ok? it7s impossible at this point what that implies. it's impratical for me to say this it just makes me hurt. that's all i wnat to say. thankyou for reading this far

There is a reason that post is Seyruiene exclusive, and not posted on Kleiorihs….

WARNING! MAJOR SWEARING BY A NICE GIRL….
Ok, some person posted that to me on MSN… No names mentioned though friends probably would know at first glance….

Firstly, let's put it this way, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?!!!! I AM ME, DON'T TELL ME THAT EVEN AFTER BREAKING UP YOU WANNA CONTROL WHAT I DO!!!!!

HELL I DIDN'T EVEN BRING ANYTHING UP!!!!! ALL I DID WAS POST THIS,

HELL NO I DON'T NEED A BOYFRIEND!!! THEY TAKE UP SPACE AND INVADE YOUR PRIVACY PLUS BREAK YOUR HEART!!! *sorry just had to get this off my chest* SO STOP TRYING TO PATCH THINGS UP, ALL OF YOU WHO TRY!!! *sorry again but I'm really depressed today*… REALLY SORRY!

I EVEN APOLOGIZED FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!! I DIDN'T EVEN TELL ANYTHING!!! YOU'RE BLOODY OVERREACTING!!!!

SO WHAT IF I DON'T MENTION YOUR NAME AS A CLOSE FRIEND? FACE REALITY, YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL TO ME!!! CAN'T I HAVE MY OWN BLOODY OPINION?!!! WHY SHOULD I EVEN MENTION YOU? I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST NORMAL FRIENDS… YOU DON'T EVEN COMPARE WITH MY BEST AND CLOSEST FRIENDS! HELL, YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT CLOSE TO ME NOW!!! WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!!!

I DON'T BLOODY HELL FEEL THE SAME WAY, SO STOP EVEN TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL THE SAME! I AM ME!!! WAN SALWA NADIA! GOT THAT!!!! NOT *INSERT NAME HERE*'S GIRLFRIEND, NOT ANYONE'S PROPERTY, NOT TIED TO ANYTHING…

IF I AM TIED, IT IS TO GOD…

I HAVE MY OWN FEELINGS AND I WAS TRYING TO LET THEM OUT…

AND BY COMPANIONSHIP, HECK READ PROPERLY… I WANT SIBLINGLY LOVE DAMN IT!!! OR COUSINLY LOVE… A SORT OF SISTER OR BROTHER FIGURE…. THAT'S WHY EVEN MY CLOSE FRIENDS SOMETIMES DON'T FIT!!! I WANT SOMEONE TO LOOK UP TO!!! AND ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN MY LIFE FIT THAT DESCRIPTION!!! AZRUL ANWAR AND AINAA SAKINAH!!! HECK EVEN AMIR RIDZUAN FIT THE BILL!!! AND BEFORE YOU GET JEALOUS FOR NO REASON, THESE ARE MY COUSINS! GOT IT MEMORIZED?
CLOSE FRIENDS ARE FOR TALKING TO, BUT THERE ARE STILL STUFF I WON'T TELL THEM… BUT TO MY COUSINS I CAN TELL EVERYTHING! I KNOW THEY KNOW WHAT I MEAN… WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU EVERYTHING?!! WE ARE NOT EVEN THAT CLOSE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! AND I WANT IT TO STAY THAT WAY!!!!

LET'S FACE IT, YOU'RE JUST AN ARROGANT JERK WHO DOESN'T GIVE UP! ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER SOMEONE DEEMED INFERIOR IN SCHOOL DUMPED YOU! IT'S BEEN A YEAR, GIVE THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!

I ALSO HATE YOUR BLOODY SELFISH WAYS… OH SO "I'VE" BEEN HURT… YOU THINK YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE.. YOU WERE THE VICTIM? HEY I NEARLY DIED LAST YEAR!!! NOPE, NO ONE KNOWS I'M NOW 3/4 DEAF IN MY LEFT EAR DUE TO THE IMPACT! NO, YOU TRIED TO CHEER ME UP, WHEN I TOLD I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE FOR A BIT! DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT TRAUMA IS? BESIDES, YOUR METHODS WERE STUPID… AINAA, HOWEVER DID A GREAT JOB. SHE HELPED ME FACE MY FEARS! SHE'S STOIC AND STEADFAST, AND UNDERSTANDING… YOU NEVER TRIED TO UNDERSTAND, YOU DO SOMETHING, THEN TRY… THEN ANALYZE THE OUTCOME! ANALYZE FIRST AND THEN LATER, THATS HOW HUMANS WORK FOOL!!!

SO, NO, I DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND NOW… I WANT A SOLID CAREER, I WANT SOME CASH, I WANT TO FILL MY DEVOTION TO GOD, I WANT TO ACHIEVE MY AMBITIONS…

I DON'T NEED A BOYFRIEND OR WHAT NOT TO ACHIEVE THAT… BUT A NICE UNDERSTANDING PERSON BY MY SIDE…

YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T THROW YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!

BUT NOW I'M WONDERING IF I SHOULD?

Sorry bout that, but I'm just really angry at a certain person's overreaction…

May 9, 2006

IIe, zenzen chigau….

Nope, I do not have the capacity to feel when I'm hurt… Yes someone did get hurt by my ultra harsh journal just now…

Certain person was sad at my… remarks in caps… and also the fact that I didn't mention certain person… Isn't it obvious? I don't want to get hurt myself… Because I've been badly hurt once.. So I want to forget.

I'm just really depressed at being alone… However, in a way, I only want certain people to talk to me… like my cousins….. One is my onii-chan *big brother*, the other my "onee-chan" *big sister* though she's younger….

Typing and talking are not the same thing… There is so much I can do here…

"Words can bind", says Yuuko, and I agree… Long before the manga came out…. That's why I don't tell people much about myself… If I hear my own words against me, I'll freak!

Therefore, certain person, no matter how much, I still can't feel the same… because I just want someone to talk to… Not someone to be with…. Those memories were… weird… Although I do remeber.. but to me it's a pain…

In a way, I want to be free! I hate being tied down… I don't want to care much… If I do want to care, maybe not now… I just don't want someone to get real close right now… I mean, not in THAT sense… BEST FRIENDS, FRIENDS and RELATIVES are okay because they know when to cross the line….

In a way, I'm still not ready to be tied down, to be responsible for others that way… I can solve problems by friends, I can talk to them… but when someone is too close to me in that way, I freak…

I'm depressed sure… I need someone to talk too but at the same time I want to be alone… Argh it's so hard to explain… maybe I'm slowly going insane….

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow… Right now I feel like burning some songs… GRAVITATION songs…… And my special Cutting Edge of Notion Piano Version

Ok Salwa, get a grip… and stare at these

Sigh, I've GOT to stop watching the Final Fantasy 13 trailer…. Since many ppl dunno how to save it… here
ENJOY!!!!!

~~~~~~~~MY LISTS~~~~~~~~~~~ Steal if you want but credit me~~~~~
*but Saqina already stole them*

TOP 10 FAV BISHIES STATUS!

10. Laharl *Makai Senki Disgaea* Maou Maou Maou daaaa!
09. Lumine *Rockman X8* PURPLE hair + seraphim form + evil = CUTE!
08. Ichimokuren *Jigoku Shoujo* – he's just cool!
07. Shuichi Shindou *Gravitation* IT'S THE SONGS I TELL YOU!
06. Doumeki Shizuka *xxxHOLIC* I'd cook anything for him
05. Yzak Joule *Gundam SEED and Gundam SEED Destiny – similar personality
04. Girouette *Rockman ZX* He LOOKS like a nice guy…
03. Albel Nox *Star Ocean 3* MAGGOTS! FOOLS!
02. Haseo *.hack//ROOTS* long live blurness! -future PKK
01. Kimihiro Watanuki *xxxHOLIC* – felt a deep connection with him

Don't think this is gonna change for a while…

TOP 5 FAV FEMALE CHARACTERS
05. Rena Ryuuguu *Higurashi no Koro Naku ni* Wah!!! Creepy killer loli! Creepier than Enma Ai!
04. Enma Ai *Jigoku Shoujo* The creepy loli… reminds me of a younger Yuuko
03. Ichihara Yuuko *xxxHOLIC* She knows so much…. and she has Watanuki to order around!
02. Fujioka Haruhi *Ouran Kokou Host Club* I guess Haruhis are just cool!
01. Suzumiya Haruhi *The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi* What can I say, she's weird and crazy and proud of it!

Honourable mention: RANDOM GIRL IN FINAL FANTASY XIII!!!!
Nope, not changing

Currently Feeling: better than just now
Currently Listening To : Cutting Edge of Notion ( Piano ) *Star Ocean 3:Till the End of Time OST* by Motoi Sakuraba *converted from a random MIDI
Currently Watching : Final Fantasy XIII trailer yet AGAIN
Currently Drawing : face of FFXIII girl
Currently Downloading : FFMC, Honey & Clover full season, Gravitation, Silver Chaos
Currently Wishing : For someone to talk to or prozac or Watanuki
Currently Wants : To play FFXIII!!!!
Currently Thinking: Why am I so… mood-swing-y?

Anime Follow List *according to fav*:

Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni
The Melancholy Of Suzumiya Haruhi
xxxHOLIC
Ouran Kokou Host Club
.hack//Roots
Shakugan no Shana
Jigoku Shoujo
Gakuen Heaven
Nana
Disgaea
Okusama wa Mahou Shoujo

PROJECTS!!
FFXIII GIRL!!!!
Draw random characters
SLEEP REGULARLY
Stop getting depressed!!!

Ok, That's it!!!

TILL NEXT TIME!!!
When I'm not obsessing over FFXIII

The~girl!who~has~angst~swings
~Kleiorihs~ShiroiElk~NioraptH~Seyruiene~Sal~Wawa~Salwa

<i>Cutting Edge of Notion</i>
by Motoi Sakuraba

Even the title is badass….

The horrors of sorting files, Final Fantasy 13 and depression.. May 9, 2006

Argh I finally decided to sort my computer… I only do this… once a year….

Well it all started when I saw my Gravitation folder</a>………. So seeing that it had multiple stuff in it… I decided to break it down and sort then according to their various albums likes this… …..

Don't get me wrong… I've always been a very organized folder person… See how I keep my songs? …. And pictures…..

I'm a very organized person when it comes to my computer… My life… is another story….. My room is worse than a shipwreck cause by 1000 gerbils…

IMPORTANT!!!! FFXIII trailer.. YOU HEARD ME~~ FINAL FANTASY 13~~~~~!!!!! The trailer is here

Female lead… Where are the hot guys? AND IT's NOT REALLY AN RPG?!!!! BUT AN ACTION RPG????

My life is kinda in a… swirl….. I feel angsty for no reason… Maybe it's because I'm lonely? I need someone to talk too… Saqina has school, Natasha is working, Balqis is busy, Ashley and Li Shan have college, Ainaa also has school plus she has exams now…..

Loneliness leads to depression… And depression kills… Sure, I look and sound alright.. but am I really? I don't talk to my mom because every single word makes her mad… My dad is 200 kilometres *hahaha metric* away, and only comes home on weekends… and my grandparents are rarely home… I could call Roll, but he is always out somewhere…

HELL NO I DON'T NEED A BOYFRIEND!!! THEY TAKE UP SPACE AND INVADE YOUR PRIVACY PLUS BREAK YOUR HEART!!! *sorry just had to get this off my chest* SO STOP TRYING TO PATCH THINGS UP, ALL OF YOU WHO TRY!!! *sorry again but I'm really depressed today*… REALLY SORRY!

Hardly anyone knows what it's like being an only child… *cept Saqina and Jonathan Goh maybe*… But when you have the freedom or even a boyfriend, you forget that you're lonesome… I'm always stuck at home… I talk to myself… and occasionally, I hear spirits talk…. they're loud….

For all the stuff I have, I'd trade them for a companion… Someone to talk to… Now who says only childs have more fun?

Mweh, I feel like crying… thanks a lot emo song….

~~~~~~~~MY LISTS~~~~~~~~~~~ NO COPYING~~~~~
*but Saqina already stole them*

TOP 10 FAV BISHIES STATUS!

10. Laharl *Makai Senki Disgaea* Maou Maou Maou daaaa!
09. Lumine *Rockman X8* PURPLE hair + seraphim form + evil = CUTE!
08. Ichimokuren *Jigoku Shoujo* – he's just cool!
07. Shuichi Shindou *Gravitation* IT'S THE SONGS I TELL YOU!
06. Doumeki Shizuka *xxxHOLIC* I'd cook anything for him
05. Yzak Joule *Gundam SEED and Gundam SEED Destiny – similar personality
04. Girouette *Rockman ZX* He LOOKS like a nice guy…
03. Albel Nox *Star Ocean 3* MAGGOTS! FOOLS!
02. Haseo *.hack//ROOTS* long live blurness! -future PKK
01. Kimihiro Watanuki *xxxHOLIC* – felt a deep connection with him

Don't think this is gonna change for a while…

TOP 5 FAV FEMALE CHARACTERS
05. Rena Ryuuguu *Higurashi no Koro Naku ni* Wah!!! Creepy killer loli! Creepier than Enma Ai!
04. Enma Ai *Jigoku Shoujo* The creepy loli… reminds me of a younger Yuuko
03. Ichihara Yuuko *xxxHOLIC* She knows so much…. and she has Watanuki to order around!
02. Fujioka Haruhi *Ouran Kokou Host Club* I guess Haruhis are just cool!
01. Suzumiya Haruhi *The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi* What can I say, she's weird and crazy and proud of it!

Nope, not changing

Currently Feeling: LONELY AND SAD AND DEPRESSED AND FLU!
Currently Listening To : Sleepless beauty/ sacred beauty air mix by Daisuke Asakura *makes me feel sad*
Currently Watching : Final Fantasy XIII trailer
Currently Drawing : nothing… *I'm uninspired*
Currently Downloading : FFMC, Honey & Clover full season, Gravitation, Silver Chaos
Currently Wishing : For someone to talk to or prozac
Currently Wants : To play the piano
Currently Thinking: Where are those painkillers? My head hurts…

Anime Follow List *according to fav*:

Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni
The Melancholy Of Suzumiya Haruhi
xxxHOLIC
Ouran Kokou Host Club
.hack//Roots
Shakugan no Shana
Jigoku Shoujo
Gakuen Heaven
Nana
Disgaea
Okusama wa Mahou Shoujo

PROJECTS!!
Draw random characters
SLEEP REGULARLY
Stop getting depressed!!!

My angsting is done….

TILL NEXT TIME
When I'm not depressed

The~depressed~one
~Kleiorihs~ShiroiElk~NioraptH~Seyruiene~Sal~Wawa~Salwa

<i>ima mo todokanu hikari no yukue azayaka ni mau omoi o egakou
michibiku kotoba ga koborete shimawanu you ni utsuru toki o osorenaide</i>

Let's depict the vividly dancing thoughts found in that place of light that is unreachable even now.
Don't fear the passage of time, so that words of guidance won't completely spill out and flow away.

From Sleepless Beauty… by D.K. and K.Ito

When you wanna sleep, but can’t.. Cause you’re scared…. *from DeviantArt* May 2, 2006

So yeah, I wanna sleep… but the net is holding me back… Yes, it's that crazy obsession again… But there's more to it….

It's sad that not many people know of this… But despite me being genki genki I'm just a sad and lonely girl… Lonely as to not talk to anyone about what's bothering me… I'd probably smile and shrug it off…

Last time, though I only told select people bout this… I can hear spirits…. or ghosts… and I can even feel them…. I can see dopplegangers too but was lucky they didn't see me…. No, I'm not kidding…

I thought I was hallucinating, but it turns out that my problem is heridatory… Most of my cousins can feel spirits, and the eldest had actually seen some as a child…I think he was about three *grandma told me when I confessed I could feel them*. My great grandpa hell, was involved with them in a way… He controls animals..

Amongst my bad memories of them…

In school, I was walking around the accursed block… when my friend, Balqis suddenly zoned out big time! I was like WTF? And I felt a cold shiver enter my body slowly… Of course, I muttered some verses from the Quran, and thankfully I was okay… So was Balqis… I was so freaked out I didn't talk in class much that day…

In National Service Camp, I was walking with a large group of trainees to the water activity area… So, being me, I stared around… And suddenly in the bushes, I saw a weird white light… I kept staring at it.. and soon it went away… As in vanished abruptly… not just go away… My friends were like… you shouldn't look into the dark bushes… I agree…

When I was younger, at my grandma's old house… a renovation was going on.. and I was alone with grandma with the random contractors… So there was this guy with a red shirt… He was on the first floor…. I was just going down… He entered the toilet I think… I was like okay.. then I went downstairs… And I saw the same guy talking to my grandma… SO I asked her how can the guy move from the toilet upstairs to downstairs so quickly? She was like "Wawa, what are you talking about? He's was here talking to me all the time.."

At home…. *and this is why I sleep with my flourescent lights switched ON*.. I was lying in bed because I couldn't sleep… and I usually sleep on my side… Suddenly, my body felt really heavy and it couldn't move at all… And I heard random voices talking real loud.. I knew it wasn't my nighbours as all the voices were old and my nieghbours are a middle-aged family with lots of small kids…. I was scared and I didn't dare open my eyes… When it was 'over', I then relaxed and took a deep breath… only to discover that my room was strangely fragrant.. SIGNAL! SLEEP IN MOM'S ROOM NOW!!!

At home, when I was younger… I had this weird experience… Imagine playing a fighting game on your Playstation all alone at night when suddenly, the screen flashed "HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER" and having controller port 2 rise up in the air…. Like duh I was scared… and I was only 8… AND I was alone at night cause my parents went 'dating' and were stuck in a traffic jam… That's why I never play games at night.. If I do, it's probably an RPG or a Platformer… Something without multiplayer support…

Those are the gist of it… As for my cousins, one of them says there's a spirit in her room… She knows it's there and it disturbs her at times.. So sometimes she waits for it to go away before sleeping… And my other cousin, says that once, he was eating cereal at night, and a voice said "Sedap tak (is it nice?)" and he replied "ya"… but he then thought… Who the heck is up at 2 a.m.? He ran up straight away… feeling very uncomfortable…

My housing area does have its share of bad luck…. Well, people says its bad luck if suddenly a lot of snakes appear around the compound of an area.. AND it happened TWICE! Also, there were reports of ghostly sightings a few months back which was why my mom actually understood why I wanted to sleep with her… But thank goodness it's gone now… An ustaz *religiuos teacher* drove them away….

I am really scared now… I know they're here somewhere…. So that's why I'm too scared to sleep….. Last year, it was only for exams that I sleep… And if I do sleep, it'll be in the morning…. from 8a.m. to 2p.m..

On a related side note, that's why I love xxxHOLIC… Y'see, the hero, Watanuki, can see spirits and want to be rid of them… That's EXACTLY how I feel… and I wanna get rid of them too! Besides, I love CLAMP, and I love the concept of the manga!

So now you know… that my addiction to the net was fueled by something else… My fear…

TOP 10 FAV BISHIES STATUS!

10. Laharl *Makai Senki Disgaea* Maou Maou Maou daaaa!
09. Lumine *Rockman X8* PURPLE hair + seraphim form + evil = CUTE!
08. Ichimokuren *Jigoku Shoujo* – he's just cool!
07. Shuichi Shindou *Gravitation* IT'S THE SONGS I TELL YOU!
06. Doumeki Shizuka *xxxHOLIC* I'd cook anything for him
05. Yzak Joule *Gundam SEED and Gundam SEED Destiny – similar personality
04. Girouette *Rockman ZX* He LOOKS like a nice guy…
03. Albel Nox *Star Ocean 3* MAGGOTS! FOOLS!
02. Haseo *.hack//ROOTS* long live blurness! -future PKK
01. Kimihiro Watanuki *xxxHOLIC* – felt a deep connection with him

Heh… NOW you know why I like Watanuki

TOP 5 FAV FEMALE CHARACTERS
05. Etna *Makai Senki Disgaea* Prinny-dai come on! Who doesn't aspire to be like Etna?
04. Enma Ai *Jigoku Shoujo* The creepy loli… reminds me of a younger Yuuko
03. Ichihara Yuuko *xxxHOLIC* She knows so much…. and she has Watanuki to order around!
02. Fujioka Haruhi *Ouran Kokou Host Club* I guess Haruhis are just cool!
01. Suzumiya Haruhi *The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi* What can I say, she's weird and crazy and proud of it!

Is this ever gonna change?

Currently Feeling: ………..
Currently Listening To : A little pain (TV SIZE) by Olivia
Currently Watching : Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni 4 yet again
Currently Drawing : Watanuki
Currently Downloading : Final Fantasy Music Collection *7.82GB!!!*
Currently Wishing : To get rid of my spirit sense
Currently Wants : To drink water
Currently Thinking: Why I can feel spirits

Anime Follow List *according to fav*:

Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni
The Melancholy Of Suzumiya Haruhi
xxxHOLIC
.hack//Roots
Ouran Kokou Host Club
Shakugan no Shana
Gakuen Heaven
Jigoku Shoujo
Disgaea
Nana
Okusama wa Mahou Shoujo

PROJECTS!!
Draw Watanuki
Draw random characters
Draw a random Gravi pic
SLEEP REGULARLY
Don't be so scared!
Drink more water!

Ok, so that's it

Till next time!

When I'm not scared shitless

~~Salwa~~

P/S, Visit my DeviantAat! There's a pic called Melancholy Watanuki which I'm damn proud of!